
Being the end of February the shortest of our twelve months, I wanted to share a few farewell thoughts on February. On February 14th, we celebrated Valentine’s Day about finding love. I offer a few thoughts on lost love, looking at the relationship between Joshua and Jesus, Paul and the Professor. I’m not referring to Joshua who brought down the walls of Jericho. I’m talking about a former pastor who had the walls fall on him.
Back in 1997 BC (Before COVID), Joshua Harris, with a head full of hair, and being filled with wisdom and life experience at the age of 21, wrote the bestselling book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” He opened the book with a parable of a couple getting married, but the bride is wondering why these other girls were standing at the altar behind the groom. It’s a little crowded. The groom explains, “They’re girls from my past. Anna, they don’t mean anything to me now, but I’ve given part of my heart to each of them.” Ouch!
In his book, Harris discouraged one-on-one dating, saying that it was practicing for divorce. Instead, he advocated group dating and a system of courtship. He discouraged displays of affections liking kissing and holding hands. Harris has his fans. But he also has his critics who found his reasoning to be faulty and legalistic.
Christian psychologist Henry Cloud, coauthor of the bestselling Boundaries books, said, “As a psychologist, I can tell you that there are people who look very good in a group, but they’re very different in a one-on-one situation. You don’t start to see how kooky people really are sometimes until you are in a one-on-one relationship where control issues, intimacy issues, and fear issues really begin to emerge that don’t emerge in a group.” Likewise, Christian psychologist Debra Fillet and author of “True Love Dates” writes on her blog that “As long as we stick to God’s principles and deal with one another in a God-honoring way, we have the freedom to pursue relationships in the way that works best for each of us.” And lastly, you don’t have to be a Beatles fan to realize that wanting to hold hands is a natural part of a growing relationship.
To be fair, this is not all the fault of Joshua Harris. He was just a 21-year-old kid who wrote a book that was a mixed bag of good and bad ideas. It was part of the 90’s Christian bookstores (remember those?), virginity vows, purity rings, and “true love waits” popular culture/marketing scheme. It’s also partly the fault of a gullible public: you’re taking premarital advice from a 21-year-old homeschooled kid?
Now, where things get interesting is that that some 20 years later, Harris began having second thoughts about his bestseller. In 2018, he asked the publisher to quit publishing it. Nothing wrong with that. But then in July 2019, he announced that he and his wife Shannon were separating. Shortly afterwards, he announced that he was no longer a Christian.
The young Christian speaker with a headful of hair and a beautiful wife was now a bald divorced nonbeliever. The author of a bestselling book on finding love…lost his love and his faith.
What happened?
It’s a crash course in love. The 1997 Joshua Harris didn’t believe in dating, because you would give a part of your heart away. There’s a kernel of truth of that. You shouldn’t give your whole heart away over a pizza with a blind date. But in any relationship, you will give part of your heart away – with a date, a favorite customer, a student, a teacher, a relative, a pet.
One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes is from his own book “The Four Loves.” Lewis writes, that “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
Our love shouldn’t be like a pizza – where we are scared to give away too many slices. It should be like a stream flowing out of our hearts – a stream to give to our pets, relatives, customers, friends, teachers, students, and even enemies who are thirsty for love.
I don’t know if Joshua Harris ever reached that conclusion. I do suspect that guilt over his imperfect book lead him to leave the Christian faith and his wife.
Now can a Christian leave the faith? Some would argue no. The more sophisticated would say, “Perseverance of the saints.” Growing up in a country church, we would say, “Once saved. Always saved.”
But here’s an important principle about love: love must be freely given……and freely received. For two people to become a match, they both must freely give love and freely receive love. It has to be free. No strings attached. If it’s not free, then it has become a business transaction and perhaps an illegal one at that. To make a second Beatles allusion, “You Can’t Buy Me Love.” When one party isn’t interested in receiving love, then somebody is going to get ghosted. Attraction cannot be forced. It can only be grown. And when you try to force attraction, you end up killing the little there was.
God’s love is the same way. God the Father is not the like the godfather making us an offer that we can’t refuse. Jesus isn’t flipping a coin for heads/heaven or tails/hell to see who gets to be lucky in the afterlife love lotto to be predestined for heaven. God initiates his love, and we respond to it. We have a choice to freely receive his love or reject it. We can ghost the Holy Ghost.
I think the young Joshua Harris did respond to God’s love and the older Joshua Harris has what the Apostle Paul says made “shipwreck of his faith” (I Timothy 1:19). Let’s talk about being shipwrecked for a moment. The Apostle Paul knew all too-well what it meant to be shipwrecked. My knowledge is limited to Robinson Crusoe, the Swiss Family Robinson, Tom Hanks, and a three-hour tour. Recently television legend Dawn Wells passed away. She was best known as the down-to-earth beauty Ginger on the old tv comedy “Gilligan’s Island.” Now growing up, I was sometimes called the Professor by my older relatives. The Professor was a brilliant man. He could make anything out of bamboo and coconuts. The only thing that he couldn’t do…was fix the boat. Why? I think the Professor had enough common sense to realize that he was in a tropical paradise with this beautiful, charming lady. He purposefully wanted to stay shipwrecked, and I don’t blame him.
I realize some would say that Joshua Harris and others like him were never Christians to begin with. I wouldn’t be quick to jump to that conclusion. Why? Because to be shipwrecked, you gotta be on the ship to begin with. Thus, in my opinion, Joshua Harris went from cruising on “The Love Boat” to Crusoeing it on “Gilligan’s Island.”
You see, even God himself, gets turned down. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son….and the world crucified his only son. Now anybody with common sense would say if I’m going to get rejected or later get ghosted and toasted, why ask her/him out? But God knew in advance what would happen to his son. And he sent his son anyways. And as the Gospel of John puts it, those who did believe in him and received him to them he gave the right to become the sons and daughters of God.
I sincerely hope that Joshua Harris and many like him, hop back on the boat. I would like to see Joshua Harris back with his wife and back in ministry. He may never come back. And God loves him enough to respect his choice.
After all, love must be freely given and freely received.










