One of my favorite television shows these days is “This Is Us” on NBC. I have to watch it by myself because Tracy says it’s too much drama and there’s enough of that in real life! But the show inspired a sermon series a few years ago on all the family drama in the book of Genesis. It was an occasion to offer some theological reflections on the intersections of the scriptures and the show.
The most recent episode, “Birth Mother” (Season 5, Episode 6, 1/12/21) brought me to another such intersection. Airing the week after we celebrated the Baptism of the Lord Sunday, I was particularly moved by the repeated baptismal imagery and the echoes of the voice from heaven that spoke to Jesus at his baptism, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased” (Luke 3:22 NRSV).
I must say that the best thing for you to do would be to watch the episode itself, which you can find on the NBC app or website. There’s no way I could capture here the sterling quality of the acting or the intensity of the feelings, but here’s a recap, along with some of my reflections.
The episode centers around Randall Pearson’s quest to learn about his birth mother. Randall was adopted as a newborn Black baby boy by the white Pearson family in Pittsburgh after he was left at a fire station. In the first season of the show, Randall, now in his mid 30s, finds his birth father, William, and they develop a beautiful, tender relationship until William dies from cancer. William had told Randall about how his birth mother had died of a drug overdose after giving birth to him, so Randall had pretty much given up on learning much more about her.
But when Randall, now a Philadelphia city councilman, mentions his birth father by name in a video that goes viral, a Vietnamese man in New Orleans named Hai sees it and reaches out to Randall and delivers the surprising news that his birth mother had lived until just a few years ago. Randall asks Hai if he could come to New Orleans to see where she lived and to learn more about her. The episode opens with Randall and his wife Beth arriving at the house by the lake where she lived.
Around the kitchen table, Hai shares with them the story of her life. Her name was Laurel. She had grown up in the prominent DuBois family in New Orleans. Her father was a banker with a stern disposition. As a little girl, after church one Sunday, she snuck off to visit with her Aunt Mae, a kindred spirit whom she was prohibited by her father from visiting because of a prior disgrace. They go for a swim in the lake by the house. As I recall the scene, young Laurel is lying face up in the water, looking happy, feeling loved, her arms outstretched, her body forming a cross, buoyed up by her aunt.
One of the things I learned about baptism in seminary is that it is like a diamond, and when you hold it up to the light, it reveals different facets, multiple layers of meaning and significance. This first of the baptismal images in the episode highlights the facet of the love, the unconditional acceptance and grace and presence and support of God throughout our lives. The God whose Spirit is always with us, whether we know it or not. The eternal God who is our refuge and dwelling place, “and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deuteronomy 33:27 KJV).
Laurel’s older brother Jackson was her only other lifeline growing up, but when he went off to fight in Vietnam, he didn’t come back. Sitting there by the lake with her Aunt Mae, the now teenaged Laurel says “I can’t believe he’s gone. What am I going to do without him?” Aunt Mae responds, “God can take your pain, sweet Laurel, but you have to let it go.” She whimpers back, “I don’t know how.” Aunt Mae looks toward the lake. “There. I go in there and let it ALL out. Go on. Go on.” So Laurel stands up, walks slowly over to the water’s edge, steps in and wades out until it’s just her head above the water. With tears streaking her eyes, she looks up to the heavens and lets out a heart-wrenching wail.
Baptism can also be cathartic, a cleansing, and this watery ritual apparently becomes a regular outlet for Laurel to release her pain and grief. It also becomes a means of connection to others beyond ourselves, which is another facet of baptism. Later, when she’s in the lake again and screams her cry of release, there’s a young man fishing nearby who hears her cry, jumps in the water and swims over to try to save her, but she protests that she’s not drowning and swims away. She recognizes him later at the local market. He’s there selling his fish. She goes over to him. He introduces himself as “Hai.” She thinks he’s saying hello. He offers to give her a fish, and when she tells him she’s not a good cook, he offers to cook it for her. So over a meal of fish grilled over a fire by the lake (there’s certainly some Gospel imagery there – check out John 21:9), they develop a secret romance. Eventually, she tells him, in his own Vietnamese language, that she loves him, and he tells her he loves her, too.
But it is a forbidden love that her father would have frowned upon, because he had designs for her to marry an up-and-coming young man at the bank named Marshall. When her father informs her that he had given his permission for Marshall to propose to her, she feels trapped and resolves to run away. She tries to convince Hai to run away with her, but with his responsibility to provide for his refuges parents, he simply cannot. So she leaves by herself and makes her way to Pittsburgh, and it is there that she eventually meets up with Randall’s biological father William.
Randall asks Hai why William would have told him that his mother had died the day he was born. Hai said because William thought she had died. That’s why he took the baby and ran away and left him at the fire station. He didn’t know she had survived, that she actually revived after the paramedics had pronounced her dead. They took her to the hospital, where she recovered and then was arrested for drug possession. Instead of receiving lenience for a first offense, she was sentenced to five years in prison. That’s why she hadn’t gone looking for him – she couldn’t. But Hai also told Randall that even though she didn’t talk very much about that time because it was too painful, she did say “there wasn’t a single night that she didn’t dream about you.”
When she was eventually released from prison, she only had enough money for a one-way bus ticket. She thought about going to look for her son, but she felt like she had forfeited her right to be his mother. Hai felt like she was punishing herself. As she overheard the nurses say when she was in the hospital, “what kind of mother gets high after giving birth? Wherever he is, he’s better off!” So Laurel went to the only other place she felt she could go – to her Aunt Mae’s in New Orleans.
There’s a beautiful scene at the center of the episode with Aunt Mae sitting on a bed beside this broken young woman. She sees the needle marks on Laurel’s arms and the pain in her heart. She tells her, “you have nothing to be ashamed of.” “I do,” Laurel responds. “I had a child, Aunt Mae. I had a baby with a man who loved me. A boy. I don’t know where he is.” Then Aunt Mae reveals her own loss of a child after an affair with a married man (the cause of her fall from grace in the family).
She tells Laurel she needs to go home, that her parents are worried about her. But Laurel says, “I don’t want to go home. I was no good as a daughter, and I’m no good as a mother. My son is going to grow up thinking I didn’t love him. Why couldn’t I be good for him? Why?” And then with urgency in her voice, Aunt Mae pleads with Laurel, “You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” with her hands cupped around Laurel’s face. “If you don’t let the guilt go, it’ll strangle you.”
Now, I don’t know who else may need to hear those words – I know I’ve needed to hear them a time or two in my life – but those are gospel words right there. “If you don’t let the guilt go, it’ll strangle you.” Thank God for the Aunt Maes in our lives who speak healing truth to us when we most need to hear it.
Laurel almost instinctively knows what she needs to do. In the darkness of the night, with a white nightgown on (suggestive of many a baptismal gown), she walks out to the lake, wades in, looks up to the sky with her tear-streaked face, and lets out a wail to the heavens.
Another one of the facets of baptism is that it represents a cleansing, a washing away of the sin in our hearts and in our lives. This was the facet highlighted by John the Baptist in the gospels, who preached a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins (Luke 3:3). This scene suggests the grace of God available to us in baptism that Laurel is accessing in his scene, the water washing away the guilt she is trying to let go so that it won’t strangle her, cleansing her of her sense of shame, setting her soul free to start afresh.
It isn’t long before Laurel goes with her aunt to work the vegetable stand at the local market where she sees Hai again. He’s still there, selling his fish. But by that time, he’s married, with a child on the way. So they just smile and wave. It’s like that for years. Smile and wave. Smile and wave. Even decades later, after Hai’s wife has died and his children had left home and they both have aged, he said it was nice to know she was nearby. She was, he believes, the love of his life.
Until one day, she wasn’t there anymore. Her veggie stall was empty. He goes to her home and comes to her door. They sit at the kitchen table. She tells him she has cancer, that it’s aggressive, that there’s nothing more they can do. He asks if she’s eaten anything. She says no. So he cooks for her, like he did so long ago. And for the next two years, she defies her doctor’s expectations and they share their love for one another. She tells Hai her life story. We see her lying in her bed, reading her Bible with tears in her eyes. Hai asks her, “what are you thinking about?” “My son. I wish I could have told him how much I loved him.” “You’ll get a chance to.”
Later we see Randall sitting in his hotel room, writing in his journal. I wonder how many pages he had filled with all he had learned that day. Beth is asleep on the bed. He gets up and leaves her a note that he’s gone out for a drive. He goes back to the house. He walks down by the lake. He undresses and wades into the water, naked as the day he was born. He swims out and then hears the sound of laughter. He turns around and there she is, his mother, as she looked later in her life.
“My baby,” she says to him. “My baby.” And she cups his face in her hands, just like Aunt Mae had cupped her face in her hands (and just like Jack, Randall’s adoptive dad, held his children’s faces in his hands when they were anxious or upset). And I can’t help but hear echoes of the voice from heaven at the waters of Jesus’ baptism: “My baby, my beloved child, my only son, my pride and joy, in whom my soul takes such delight” (rather liberally paraphrased).
“I didn’t even know I was looking for you,” he tells her. “Now I’ve found you and you’re gone.”
“I’m sorry,” she says ever so gently. “I wish I could change everything, but I can’t, and you know that. And all this sadness is weighing you down. You have my eyes. There’s so much pain in them. Aren’t you tired? You need to let the pain go.”
And in his words that echo her own words from long ago, he whimpers, “I don’t know how.”
“Yes you do.”
And with that, he closes his eyes, then looks up to the sky, and wails to the heavens.
And then she says something that sounds like “may-ah you calm.”
“What is that?”
“Something I’ve been wanting to say for a long time. I love you. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
And then he sees his birth mother as she looked as a young woman, smiling back at him.
And then the camera pans up, and it’s just him there in the lake.
The next morning, as they’re in their car on their way back home, Beth looks over at Randall with a smile and says, “you seem different, lighter.”
“I got to know my birth story, Beth. And it’s not just getting left at a fire station. It’s two people, two imperfect people, that loved me.”
One of the deepest and brightest and best facets in the precious jewel of baptism is that it incorporates us into – makes us a part of – a family. A family of imperfect people, to be sure, but people who love us and we can come to know and love, too. A people with a story. It’s a long story, a really long story, but it’s a story which at its most basic level is a love story. The story of God’s love for God’s people. For all people. For the human family.
Randall finally got to know his birth story.
By the grace of God in the waters of baptism, so can we.